SplashData has released it’s annual “Worst Passwords List”, a list comprised of over 2 million leaked passwords, and…ugh…I have no words. Seriously, guys? In the year 2016, you still have these crappy, Web 1.0 passwords? I hate to sound like your mother, but you probably have personal info attached to your web accounts. If Sony, one of the biggest entertainment and tech companies in the world, can have their emails hacked, what in God’s name makes you think these rinky-dink passwords will save you? You make me sick. Now Bid Daddy Cole is going go down this list and critique every single one of these dumb passwords, and you’re going to sit there and like it.
123456 – Oh good, you can count to six. And I know you’re proud (it takes two hands to count to six, after all), but your account password is not an appropriate place to brag about it.
password – I am completely shocked that this isn’t number one. I feel like there’s a grand, sweeping train of thought found in all internet users from the ages of 65 to 85, which is “If my password is ‘password’, I’ll never forget!” And that just makes me sad. Your poor Grandma can’t remember her passwords, and she’s probably going to forget to send you that annual $20 you get in your birthday card every year.
12345678 – YOU COUNTED UP TO 8! Well now I’m not even mad. Good for you, I’m going to put that password right on the fridge!
qwerty – I know you thought you were being clever, but knowing a QWERTY keyboard is only makes you smarter than the people who used the passwords above, so don’t feel too good about yourself, dingus.
12345 – What happened, buddy? You got all the way up to eight last time? Do I need to have a talk with your mother about this?
1233456789 – Whew, I was getting worried, there for a second. Now you’re almost up to 10!
football - So you like football enough to make it your password, but you don’t like it enough to actually personalize it in any way? Do you like the NFL? Do you like college football? Maybe you’re a big fan of Friday Night Lights? Something like j0hnkuhnrulez. It’s a solid password, but if you actually think John Kuhn rules, maybe you deserve a dumb password like “football”.
1234 – OK, you know what? Now I think you’re just screwing with me. Go to your room.
1234567 – I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM!
baseball – Not only did you choose to make one of America’s four biggest sports as your personal password, you chose the worst one.
welcome – Welcome hackers, take all that you see fit! Credit card, social security number, all of it!
1234567890 – 0 DOES NOT COME AFTER 9! 10 COMES AFTER 9! GET BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE!
abc123 – Look, we all miss The King of Pop (well, at least Michael Jackson from 1970 to 1993), but your touching tribute is only leaving you vulnerable to unwanted cyber attacks.
111111 – DumbDumbDumbDumbDumbDumb
1qaz2wsx – Someone played Connect 4. I bet the hackers who are stealing your credit card info right now are saying “There! Diagonally!” and you’ll retort “Pretty sneaky, sis!”
Dragon – Are you fascinated with the mythos of dragons or is that just a self-applied nickname? Either way, please don’t talk to me.
master – I’m guessing that typing master to your subservient computing device is the only authoritative thing you’ll ever do in your pathetic, lonely life.
monkey – I knew a kid named Evan who used “monkey” as his password for everything. Someone hacked his Facebook and wrote hurtful messages to his family members. That’s not a joke. That actually happened. Pick a better password.
letmein – The thing about the “me” in this situation is that the “me” is whoever is in the act of logging-in with the password, not necessarily the one who created the password. So the “me” in this situation could be some from guy from North Korea stealing your identity.
login – Despite being a whole 18 spots down from “password”, I think “login” is only slightly worse.
princess – Real princesses don’t need to affirm their own notions of royalty by making their official title their password.
qwertyuiop – And there it is, the slightly less lazy version of “qwerty”
solo – Like Han Solo? I mean, he’s the best character from Star Wars, but I don’t get the appeal of making his name a password? Especially just “solo”. Why not make it “HanShotFirst?”
passw0rd – I’m sure this the password that members of the 65-85 year old demographic consider witty. “A zero instead of an ‘o’? No one else would ever think of that!” said some ingenious oldtimer, as he rots away in his nursing home while his family forgot his birthday once again.
starwars – I don’t watch movies. I WATCH FILMS! My password is “thekingsspeech”